Regret
by danniperson
Summary: 3 years ago, Harry had to choose between Snape and Ginny. Now Hermione listens as Harry expresses regret over his decision.


**REGRET**

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"I made the wrong choice."

Hermione was startled, jumping a bit as she was jerked out of her thoughts by Harry's voice, surprised to meet green eyes just as wide with shock as her own. Maybe he hadn't meant to say it. Maybe he couldn't believe he had said it. Beneath that shock she saw fear and Hermione frowned.

"What did you say?" Hermione asked quietly, shifting where she sat on her couch to face her best friend more easily. Harry had made the whole thing seemed urgent when he firecalled in, asking if he could come over, only to sit around morosely for the better part of an hour. Every time Hermione had pushed him to speak had been met with a deeper frown or a quiet "I'm fine" that Hermione didn't believe for one second. Harry had seemed depressed on and off for a while now, but he had never looked quite so gloomy before. Not that Hermione had noticed.

Harry cleared his throat and looked away from her, taking a shuddering breath and letting the words out on his exhale. "I made the wrong choice…Between Severus and Ginny…I really, really buggered that one up."

"Harry…That was three years ago," Hermione said tentatively. If Harry had had any regrets about choosing to be with Snape over Ginny, shouldn't he have figured that out sooner?

Hadn't he had all the time in the world? After the war and once things had settled down, Harry had faced the difficult conversations of having to tell the two people that he loved that he loved two people. Snape and Ginny had been patient, but it had been unfair to just drag them both along and both made it very clear that things couldn't remain that way forever. At the end of a year and a half (far too long, in Hermione's opinion) he had to chose and he had chosen to be with Snape. No one had really understood it…Hermione liked to think she did in a way, but even she couldn't fully comprehend his choice.

"I know," Harry said quietly.

"Do you still love Ginny?" Hermione asked, a bit confused by the subject. More importantly, she supposed, what had Snape done? Why hadn't she latched onto that thought sooner? She bit her lip to refrain from letting all of the questions she had pour out and instead waited as patiently as she could for Harry to respond.

"I…don't know," Harry replied honestly. "It's been a while."

"Yes, it has," Hermione said softly. While all was forgiven by now, things just weren't the same with the Weasleys anymore. Ginny was dating Oliver Wood now and was under pressure from her mother to get married and have children. She had moved on…and so had Harry. "Wh…What happened, Harry? Why…What brought on these feelings?"

"It's not really about Ginny," Harry admitted, clearing his throat and daring to look at her again. She saw nothing but desperation in his green eyes, pleading with her to give him the answers. There was helplessness and pain present in his eyes and in his voice that made her throat constrict and her chest to tighten. "Just…I've been thinking lately…What things would have been like if I had acted differently."

Harry laughed, but there was no amusement. Hermione thought she had never heard a sound so bitter in her life.

"If I had stayed with Ginny," he mused, "I would get married and have children…And she would love me. Does that sound very bad?"

"No…Of course not," Hermione replied a bit breathlessly. She sat up straighter and clasped her hands and held them in her lap. It was starting to a bit of sense now and her heart ached as she thought of these past few months…how withdrawn Harry had been, how sad he had seemed. How long had he been holding this in? How long had he been feeling so miserable before finally deciding to confide in her? She might have fussed at him, reminding him that she was his friend and that he should come to her with his problems whenever he had them, but it was hard to berate him when he was this way. Hermione could only swallow and watch him as he blinked away tears and cleared his throat, waiting for him to continue.

"I should have known better," Harry said. "Hell, I _did_ know better. Everyone told me so." Hermione smiled dryly. She remembered it all too well. The reaction whenever Harry told everyone he was with Snape…The confusion and the bafflement. Everyone reminded Harry how cold and how heartless Severus Snape was. But Harry loved him.

"You thought you could change him," Hermione whispered.

Harry looked hesitant a moment before saying, "I thought I could make him care about me," as though reluctant to admit he wanted to change anything about the man he loved.

"What makes you think he doesn't?" Hermione asked. Why would Snape stay with Harry for so long if he didn't care so much about him? Why live with him? Three years was a long time. It wasn't as though Snape needed the company. He had gone a great deal of time without it and seemed to prefer being alone. Hermione thought about this…thought about pointing it out…but the words died on her lips. She couldn't say anything yet. She wanted to know what Harry thought.

Harry smiled wryly. "He doesn't care about anyone."

Somehow, pointing out that Snape loved Harry's mother didn't seem like a good idea. Hermione kept that to herself and reached out to take Harry's hand, glad as he let her and gave hers a small squeeze.

"I would know by now, if he did, wouldn't I?" Harry asked. "I don't want to change him…not completely. I love him, but…" Harry trailed off for a moment and stared off into space for a moment. Hermione gave his hand a squeeze to remind him that she was here, trying to pull her thoughts together more clearly so that she might say something to him. She hated seeing him like this, and hated even more not knowing what to do about it. "I love him so much, but it's not enough," he confessed in a whisper so silent Hermione could barely hear it. He laughed hollowly. "He would tell me I was a sentimental fool…a romantic idiot…just as starry-eyed as every other Gryffindor. He would smirk at me and he would laugh at me…He would be cruel about it, wouldn't he? And I would still love him."

The acceptance of the fact was heartbreaking. Hermione gasped quietly and felt hot tears fill her eyes. Harry wasn't crying. She thought earlier that he was about to, but right now he looked so empty. Hermione could cry for him, by now. She could all too well imagine what Harry was experiencing. Snape was a cold man…How would she feel if she felt such passion and adoration for her Draco and he returned none of it? How would it feel to carry such great emotion for someone and feel as though they had nothing for you at all?

Hermione couldn't contradict him. Whenever she was around the pair, it was easy to see how distant Snape was. He was distant from everyone, only showing some mild bit of affection for his godson when they were together, some pride for him. Harry always seemed so comfortable with the man and so confident that Hermione had never really thought twice about it. Was that how it always was? In their home, did Snape remain as stiff and detached as he did in public?

Harry had never spoken of this before, but he had never spoken of much _good_ between he and his lover, either.

"Oh Harry," Hermione whispered, horrified to hear how shaky her voice was as she grasped his hand tighter, vision blurred by tears that threatened to fall any second now. "What…What will you do?"

"I don't know…I can't leave him, can I? I don't know what I'd do without him."

At the end his voice hitched, the first bit of emotion returning to his voice. Hermione moved closer to him as his tears returned, hers having won out and were pouring down her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close to her, trying hard to hold back her own feelings in favor of trying to comfort Harry as she felt the wetness of his tears against her neck. She expected one of them to start sobbing at any moment, but they both bit back the noise and the room was silent.

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**A/N:** Good grief…I wrote "Time is Running Out" and now this…For an angst-hater, I'm feeling very friendly towards angst at the moment. Not sure why lol. Anyway, I read a story (forget now what it was, damn it) about Harry choosing Snape over Ginny and commenting about they never saw any stories where Harry chose Snape over Ginny…So it sort of inspired me to write this lol. Anyway, please review!


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